Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
