he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
