So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
