Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i think im in europe. pls send help
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
