I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
