So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
