I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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