I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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