I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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