You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
