i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
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felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
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It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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