I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
