so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
