I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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