I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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