never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I licked your asshole in confidence.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
