none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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