i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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