Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
