I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
someone owes me an orgasm
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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