The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
