she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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