I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
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So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
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You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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