you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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