I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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