i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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