Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
