What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
