Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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