Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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