I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
