I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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