I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she woke up with a sticky ear
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
