if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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