i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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