Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
