ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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