we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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