is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
