Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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