my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
