false alarm. still invincible.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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