Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
