I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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