I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
