I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
