i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
