I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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