I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
