Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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