just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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