Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
