i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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