Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
