My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
