she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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