I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
