before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
